Friday, August 31, 2007

Luke Responds to GOLF '07!

Though faithful IluvLuke readers will know that I often comment here, this is my first real post. ILuvLuke invited me to post on her blog, and I was so happy and flattered to be invited that I almost cried. Soon, I will be posting my picture and personal profile. -Gay4Luke

As a Squirrel Hill resident, I wanted to take some time to write about the Great Oakland Leak and Flood of 2007 (GOLF '07). As many may know, a water main burst at Centre and Dithridge, causing major flooding and water outages. I was without water for almost 12 hours!

GOLF '07 has caused untold heartache, loss of business revenues, property damage, and emotional trauma. The owner of the Dollar Plus Store even suffered from wet socks! He had to change into sandals, according to the Post Gazette . Nobody even knows how many people were forced to go to their local Rite Aid, CVS or CoGo's to buy bottles of water. When I went to my Rite Aid, angry mobs were scrambling for the last few drops of Evian. All I could get was a one lousy bottle of Rite Aid brand water. And it wasn't even carbonated.

Do I sound bitter? No! I used to be bitter about my evil Republican father turning me gay, but I'm not bitter about that any more. I realized that being gay is part of what I am. What I am bitter about is what the inevitable reaction to GOLF '07 will be in the horrible Post-Gazette and in that despicable piece of Dick Scaife's used toilet paper, the Tribune Review. I'm writing this post because maybe if I write first, I can stop those horrible papers and naysayers from saying terrible bad things about our beloved Mayor, Luke Ravenstahl.

So, here's what I know those papers are going to be saying, as soon as they wake up. It will certainly be stuff stuff like this: "Where was Mayor Ravenstahl during GOLF '07? Why was he not out there on the street getting his socks wet with the owner of the Dollar Plus? Why wasn't he out making door-to-door deliveries of Perrier water to the embattled residents of Shadyside and Squirrel Hill? How could he let one of his water mains spring a giant leak in the first place? How can he let our infrastructure decay to this point?"

Well, I am here to tell you that none of that is the Mayor's responsibility! No! Suffering through the water loss myself in Squirrel Hill, I did not expect the Mayor to knock on my door with bottled water. Nor do I think he should risk getting his socks wet. He might catch his death of a cold, then we'd be stuck with Doug Shields as our Mayor and he's not even handsome. It's not Luke's responsibility to ensure that the infrastructure of the City isn't decaying. Shoot, he wasn't even born when most of this stuff was built. How can he be responsible? Anyway, that's what the department of Public Works is for. They are they ones who are supposed to worry about infrastructure!

Mayor Luke has better things to to do with his time than stand around in muddy floodwaters! The Mayor is supposed to look good, and make the City look good. How can he look good standing in floods with his Brooks Brother suit pants all wet and rolled up to his knees? Normally, of course, he does look great. The other day, I almost wrecked my Mom's pink Mary Kaye Cadillac when I saw how hot, sexy, and handsome Luke looked on a Redd Up Pitttsburgh billboard that I drove past! Can there be any better face for our City? Young people must be coming back in droves when they see his handsome face. Even the Ethics Board says that it is the Mayor's job to go to celebrity golf outings. Here's what they wrote to the Mayor in a recent letter: "We encourage you to continue your practice of supporting the charitable sector that provides so many benefits to our community." I read that in the Post Gazette! If the Ethics Boards says that the Mayor should be going to celebrity charity events, how can we expect him to go to floods too?

But, even so, guess what Mayor Luke actually did during GOLF '07? That's right, according to The Pitt News, Mayor Luke arrived at the scene "not long after the break." Yes, even though he probably should have been at a photo studio posing for billboard photos, or out on the golf links with Mario and Jeffery Romoff, he went straight to the flood scene! And, he issued a statement, as follows: "The main thing is to ensure public safety." That is so brilliantly intelligent, caring, and heartfelt! It just makes me want to cry. Luke has done such a great job during GOLF '07! His performance under pressure in this crisis shows why he is our great Mayor, and why he deserves to keep being our handsome young Mayor.