Thursday, March 27, 2008

You Must Embrace The Sign With Passion

Hello from the blooming Paris!

I must remind you that I am an outsider from Paris looking into your little world in Pittsburgh. I enjoy to myself thinking of it like the famous Ant Farm that children possess - I am like a giant and through the wonderous glory of the Internet, I am able to look in and see you - the Pittsburghoise - as small ants that go about your duties of wandering around aimlessly and digging holes and giving birth and finding food.

Must I say that I am your biggest fans. If I could, I would have in possession a hand made of foam with the index finger extended to form the number one for you. But I must point out to you when you are making an embaressment of yourselfs. I am talking about the lack of embacing signs!

As all of us people of smartness know, Signs especially large and technologicly superior multicolored LCD television-similar signs show the level of civilization of the residents where the signs exist. As an outsider, I remind you like a parent at the dinner table where you like the child is using the wrong fork - I am kicking you under the table very hard in your legs - shape up and embrace the Sign with passion for you will be seen from the outside as primitive cave people who talk in grunts and throw rocks and wear animal fur as your only form of clothing.

May I also point out that I have formed my own technology company PierreSoft which will provide solutions of software for cities such as Pittsburgh at large amounts of money. I have thoughts of moving my headquarters to Pittsburgh but I am afriad you may be unfriendly to me and my business. Since you are not embracing the latest technology, I am afraid you may brain me by hitting me on the head with your mammoth bone that you have chewed your dinner from. As of now, my headquarters are just my laptop computer (which for you cave people is a computer that is small enough to fit on my lap) but I have visions of my company needing a large building that will scrape the sky! Thus, you must listen to me and appeal to my tastes for I may someday soon be a Person of Vision in your city!

We as smart people of business know that signs are good and they tell us that a city has businesses and show that you are friendly to people like me. When I visit your city, I will be disapointed and full of fear if there is not bright colorful signs to embrace me.

So may I say it again, Cave People, embrace the Sign with the passion you would embrace a lover. While I know you are not as artful of lovers as us in France, you obviously know how to make love since there are births in your city. So embrace limply and unartistly as you might the Signs that will show the world that you to are full of Smartness and like the rest of the civilized world. Please stop being Cave People!

Monday, March 17, 2008

True Man of Vision: Herb Burger

Hello from the Big Paris!

I was surprised to read on your Pittsburgh online Newspaper the grand words of a true man of Vision and Greatness - Mr. Herb Burger.

Where should I start? His essay is like a buffet with many good treats with so much meat your bowels will become stuck.

His call to action is so persuasive I must stand up and shout, "Yes! The City and State must buy more property in the Downtown to give to Men of Business to grow the dream. Plus, add more parking!"

Mr. Burger is a True Cowboy Man of Vision. I adore his statement of "It is time to go beyond planning and studying...." Forget Market Studies. I picture Mr. Burger in a cowboy hat standing next to a pen of angry bulls. His Clint Eastwood eyes are squinted as he surveys the foaming mouths and angry huffing from the angry massive bulls. Which one will he choose? He chooses the most angry bull and then looks over at you and says, "That is the one YOU will ride! I will watch."

What a brilliant man! I always thought of the hero as the person who takes the risk but now I realize that is wrong. The hero is the one who convinces the stupid to put their life on the line. Take D-Day during the great war of two. A smart person does not run at people who are shooting at them. The smart person gets others to run at the people with the guns, thus the generals of D-Day are the true heros for they were not shot at and lived to see success or if they saw failure, they still lived.

How does this translated in Mr. Burger? He is the general. He is calling for the State and the City to put up the money... to take the risk. But what is great is that the stupid people are the people! They will never know they have been shot. They will say, "I do not have money for my loaf of bread" That is what the Bread of Wonder is for!

I now know how things works in the City of Pittsburgh with People of Vision. I can be with them and soar with them.

Mr. Ruterkraus: I would gladly have you take me out to dinner when you visit Paris. We have many great food establishments. I will allow you to take me to the grandest if that is what you desire. Thank you for the offer. While you are not The Mayor, I would take you as an official representative of the Great City of Pittsburgh.

Friday, March 14, 2008

My Supreme Advice For Mr. Ravenstahl

Hello from warming Paris!

I must confess that I have finally recovered from my upsetness at being ignored when Mr. Ravenstahl visited my home town of Paris and missed reaching out and touching me. I felt what the turd from a dog must feel when being deposited on a sidewalk and watching the rear quarters of the dog walk away... "Hello, where must you be going?!?!?! Are you leaving me? Please come back and take me with you! I am becoming cold and stale!" I no longer feel like the turd.

My first supreme advice is......
Make a law banning Van Halen from ever coming to Pittsburgh again. It is clear from the news that they will not be visiting Pittsburgh therefore they see Pittsburgh as the turd. You must show that Pittsburgh is the dog. Ban them forever. I declare that Pittsburgh should declare itself a Van Halen Free Zone and declare the war on them. Van Halen is not what it once was therefore a funeral should be had with crying and then record burning. Signs must be erected to declare the message "Non Viva Van Halen!!"

My second supreme advice is.....
Now you Mr Ravenstahl, must make the sign on the bus station bigger and make your picture appear on it over and over. I have been following confusingly the controversy of the electric sign. You, Mr. Ravenstahl, must show you are the Master Dog of the Pack. Do not let the little dogs of the City Council bark at you. You must make them the turds that they are. Growl at them and declare that now the Electric Sign will be twice as big!!! Then make sure your picture is on the sign between every advertisement. This will send the little dogs the right message. It will be as effective as pissing in their face. Why not now put up 2 signs?

That is all my advice for now. Thank you.

I thought of one other speck of supreme advice...
It appears that a stink has been deposited about the issue of the vehicles that city employees must take home. It appears that the City Council is undermining your authority, Mr. Ravenstahl. May I suggest as it seems your lawyers would agree, the authority to give or take vehicles lays within your bounds. Thus, you should give the Council members that you like a car for their outstanding servitude. I do not know if you have the authority to force people to drive certain vehicles, but if so, may I suggest that you make Mr. Kraus ride a small donkey. And while it may be hard on the donkey, do not plow the monstrous snow or fill the monstrous holes the size of pots on Mr. Kraus's route to his office. Wage your war on snow and holes strategically and have your battle fronts in other areas while your enemies starve and their area turns to desert! Laugh at the man riding the donkey!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My Thoughts on The Primary

Hello from the Northside - by Strawberry Way

I have been thinking a lot about the upcoming election and I;m really upset.

I have always voted Democrate so I am going to vote for a Democrate no questions asked, but I am having a tough problem. The only woman I have ever voted for was Darlene Harris. So while I could pull the level for Hillary, I don't like how she comes across as ... how do I say it... so unfeminine. I don't know if I can vote for a lesbeing.

When it comes to Barak Obama, it is a whole other ball of wax. I'm not predjudgist but when everyone says he is the next JFK, I squint my eyes when I see him on the tv and he just looks nothing like JFK. He looks looks to dark to be JFK. When I hear them say that he is inexperienced, I know that what they are really trying to say is that black people have only been able to vote for like 40 years and he will likely turn the white house into some sort of gangster rap stars house like those guys in that show my granddaughter likes - pimp my house I think it is called. I just don't think the American people can tolorate our president wearing bunches of gold chains and saying "Yo".

I never thought I'd say this but I am upset with the Democratic Party making me have to choose between these two. I just wish that John Edwards was still running. He was handsome.

I want this website to endorse someone so that I can tell my readers who to vote for. I know in the end, I'll endorse who the democratic party tells me to but it looks like Big Ed Randell is going for Hillary and that makes me want to throw up. So I am going to say it here....

I want the different campaigns to try to convince me why I should endorse their candidate. Send me an e-mail at Remember I run the best website in Pittsburgh and I've had over 2 million hits in less than 9 months so email me.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Leave Luke Allone you Meanies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello from the Northside - Strawberry Way!

There is so much hate in the world and it seems that the blog-o-sphere is so full of it -and it is full of other stuff too!

I can't believe how full of hate the pimple butted latte drinking class of Pittsburgh Blogging is. They can't leave The Mayor alone. He takes some of his hard earned money and writes a check to pay off the use of that SUV and they still can't let it alone. Now they are measuring stuff like how far Harrisburg is. Well, I can tell you, let's say The Mayor took a phone call and talked on the telephone about city business for a few miles while on the PA Turnpike. I think those miles count as offical business. Let's say The Mayor looked out the window and was thinking about the city's problems. I think that counts as official business. So how do those Bloggers sitting in their underwear letting there hate come out of there finger tips and out onto the internets know how much The Mayor was thinkiing of offical business? You can have all the Googles in the world but they can't read peoples minds yet.

Last Week, The Mayor declared war on Potholes and I lukily had a dump truck come down MY street and fill MY potholes. I think The Mayor should send around a Public Works crew to fill in all the pie holes of those hatefilled Pittsburgh Bloggers. Just shovel a hot shovelfull of asphalt into their hate hole and smash it down flat with the shovel!

That all reminds me that I forgot to post the picture of the month from Mr. Tinklebreath who so nicely tried to help me create a calendar for 2008 but the Evil Cafepress wouldn't print it!!!! Cafepress is full of hate!

and here is the one from January which I haven't shown yet...

I don't know how to make the pictures bigger! Ugh. I had done it before but I don't know what to do!!!! I hate blogger!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

My Fans Are Healthy

From Excitable Paris!!!

I often get notes of thanks from fans of my lovely wrtten words, and I wish to share this photo that I graciously recieved!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

I Knew Not The Myron Cope but I See He Was Loved

Hello from the Highly Evolving Paris!!!

Every day is a new adventure since I have fallen in love with my adoptable city of Pittsburgh. I would encourage everyone to fall in love with a place they have never seen, but since I too like many wish not to drain the brain of Pittsburgh any more, I encourage all to dream of a Pittsburgh that you have never seen too!

Every day I learn something new and I have learned recently of Mr. Myron Cope. He was the Mascot puppet of the Steelers before they invented the puppet charater Steely Dan that debuted this past football year. While Steely Dan is highly cartooned - he is yellow and carries a steel beam, Mr. Myron was also a cartoon but more like a real man be it a small Leprechaun of a man. Mr. Myron also spoke which is higly different than Steely Dan.

It appears that the creators of The Myron Cope were very detail oriented. They created a new language for their character with phrases borrowed from the Yiddish such as "Yoi" and "Double Yoi" and "Gorgonzola" and "Bungels". This flowery language stuck like a seed in the imagination of the Pittburghquois and The Myron Cope grew in their heart.

As another sign of the true creativity of creators of The Myron, is that they had their charater invent a symbol that has turned into the flag of the Steelers Nation - The Terrible Towel!!! I did not know that The Myron created this towel that I so lovingly twirled and hugged like the blanket of a baby and wiped away my tears when the Steelers ended their football year. What a multipurpose invention. While we do not have a supplier of the Terrible Towel here in France, I relied on my inventiveish and put a black marker to a yellow bathing cloth and created my own. I hold it close to my heart right now as I write these words!

Many must have saw the end of The Myron coming when the Steelers introduced Mr. Steely Dan this past football year, but their hearts finally broke this past week. While I knew not The Myron Cope, my heart is broken too. Let us all cry together around the whole globe of Steeler Nation.

It is clear that the current creators of Mascot Puppetry today lack the skills of the Masters of yesterday. Mr. Steely Dan is a poor substitute that does not even talk. May be Steely Dan will be sent to his grave soon to?